The Decision that Changed My Life

Published: Monday, 16 June 2014 Written by Nikacey Jno. Finn

 THE DECISION THAT CHANGED MY LIFE

By: Nikacey Jno. Finn (5-B)

 

The moon shone brightly that cold summer morning. I lay face up on my bed, staring at my white ceiling. I sighed and sat up, placing my feet firmly on the marble floors of my expensive house, and grabbing my phone. No missed calls and no new texts. Had I no friends? I, Anna Cross, had been indoors for about two months now and nobody had even bothered to leave me a text.

 

A full three months ago my husband, Zane Michaelis, had left me for a younger, more beautiful girl, who he had been seeing for a year. We had been together for five. Naturally, that kind of betrayal had taken quite the toll on me. I quickly lost interest in all the things I would have normally been excited about. Specifically, my family, my friends, and my career. My heart had grown so numb to the loneliness that I did not mind the rapidly decreasing phone calls and visits, and I definitely felt no need to talk to the other surgeons at the hospital. Things had gotten so bad, that I had even stopped caring about the lives of the patients that were supposed to be in my care. Eventually, I slipped up, and something went so wrong, that I lost my job.

 

And so, two months later and there I was. A worn out rag doll, trapped within the shadow of the charismatic woman I had once been. My heart and my head hurt all the time back then, and all I could do was sulk around the house. I shook my head and stood up to observe myself in the mirror. I had gotten pale as a result of the lack of sunlight and many blemishes had surfaced all over my lackluster brown skin due to the fact that I had stopped showering. My once brilliantly black hair was dull and almost flaxen and I had bags under my eyes from many restless nights. I cringed at my reflection. I was definitely in desperate need of some fresh air.

 

I peered up at the clock. It was already 02:23 am . Nobody I knew would have been up on the streets at such an hour. That is why it was the perfect time for me to stretch my legs. I had to get out of the house sometime. It was now or never. I promptly removed the dirty bathrobe I had on for the past two months and crawled into the shower. As the hot water rushed down my skin, I wished for my emotions to wash away, just like the layer of filth that had shrouded my body. When I had exited the shower, thoroughly dried myself, and brushed my teeth, I was shocked to see how much weight I had lost! My clothes hung loosely over my body. It was as if I was the one who was being worn.

 

Still, I needed to take this walk, so I threw on a long pair of jeans and a thick sweater under a large black coat. After slipping on a pair of boots I left the room and shakily climbed down the flight of stairs to my front door. I was weak, tired, and my head still hurt. I wanted to scamper back upstairs and just fall into the welcoming arms of my bed. Yet, I continued out the door.

 

I closed my eyes and inhaled the fresh, cool night wind and my headache appreciated the silence of the dark. I opened my eyes once more. I got the feeling, that I would not regret the decision to go for a walk tonight.

 

I instinctively turned and began walking in the direction of the park that was some ways off from my house. Something was pulling me there. Something warm and safe. Something that would calm my never ending headache. Desperate for some clarity, I quickened my pace. My heart raced as I felt a sudden rush of adrenaline kick in. For some reason, I needed to get to that park as soon as possible. A loud gasp escaped from me as my body grew tired. I felt as if I was not running to get to the park, but to escape my own feelings. My weak legs struggled to move forward. To me, they were being weighed down by feelings of guilt and self pity. My eyes grew blurry and tears emerged as I neared the park.

I slowed down and sat at a bench. At that point I was breathing heavily, and tears poured from my dull, brown eyes like water emerging from the earth. I had finally realised the hopelessness of my situation. I had lost my lover, my friends, my family and my career. Nobody cared about me now, in fact, I did not even care about myself.

 

I doubled over and clenched my chest. My heart hurt, and my headache had gotten worse. It did not matter what happened to me from then on. At the age of 32, my future had already been written, and it seemed like Edgar Allan Poe was the writer . Oh, how I had wished for Heaven to take me in its arms at that moment. The pain had gotten to me at that point, and was threatening to eat me alive. However, I was lucky. Heaven seemed to have been paying attention to my woes.

 

“Something seems to be troubling you.” I heard a very soft, yet very masculine voice say. Instantly, I felt a strange sense of security fall upon me. Who else could be going for a walk at this hour? I looked up and caught sight of a pair of the largest, most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen before. The voice belonged to a tall man with long, familiar scarlet red hair and tender, reassuring, green eyes. Despite his incredibly feminine features, he had an awesome, manly aura about him. He was, without a doubt, the most beautiful person I had ever seen in my life. A beautiful contradiction... An angel?

 

As he stood before me, I felt as if all the loneliness and betrayal were simple things. Things that did not deserve to burden my heart. His eyes were stern and his mouth had been slightly parted. It was clear that he was worried. I opened my mouth to speak, but something had grasped my throat. My eyes followed as the man sat next to me staring straight forward.

 

“Life is a fleeting dream you know.” He muttered. I nodded and looked down at my palms, I was shaking. He continued. “Whatever it is that is on your mind right now, it definitely is not worth your pain.”

 

“I know.” I finally spoke up, his buttery voice gave me courage. “But I still feel so hopeless...”

 

He turned to me and stared into my eyes. I felt unworthy. As if my inferior dirty pools would melt under his grassy gaze. “Whatever it is that is on your conscience... Cannot stop you from moving forward.”

 

His attempts to console me got me angry. I felt as if he was trying to completely downplay all that had happened to me even though this stranger could have had no way of knowing what had happened to me, nor what I had done. I felt as if I deserved to wallow in self pity for a while longer.

 

“You don't understand.” I tried to explain, the tears returning once again, “I did something horrid.”

 

“Then perhaps you should help me to understand.” He replied, once again his smooth, sweet voice urged me to comply. Despite the fact that he was a stranger, I felt as if I knew him, and he acted as if he were an old friend. It was sad that a stranger had more interest in me than any of my '' family members. I felt as if I owed him an explanation.

 

“My husband left me for his eighteen year old mistress, my friends and family want nothing to do with me, and I killed a little girl.” I finally poured out, clenching my thighs and biting my bottom lip.

 

“Excuse me?” The stranger's green eyes widened, “Explain further.”

 

I was so flustered that I did not even mind his boldness. “I was a surgeon at Nikorman Hospital. And that day I just wasn't feeling like myself. I had locked myself in the bathroom at work.” I paused and cleared my throat as the tears began to gather once more. “Then... Someone called for me. A young girl, about eight or nine years old needed emergency open heart surgery. Reluctantly, I hurried off to the operation room and as I looked at the girl, I noticed something horrible.”

 

“What..?” The stranger asked.

 

“She looked exactly like my husband's mistress.” I replied, tears rolling down my cheeks. “Or at least I thought she did. I became paralysed, I couldn't move, I couldn't think, I couldn't act. I had been depressed about the divorce enough as it was and I couldn't bear to operate on someone whom I thought was my husband's mistress.”

 

“What did you do..?”

 

I turned to face him and smiled grimly, “I didn't do a damned thing. I just stared at the girl as the other surgeons tried to shake me back to reality, and I only awoke when one of them had pushed me out of the way. And after that I still didn't help. It was not until after she had died, that I realised she bore no resemblance whatsoever to my ex husband's mistress. It was only an illusion brought about by sleepless nights, frustration and depression.”

 

The stranger's eyes narrowed and he looked down at his feet while I continued. “The looks on her parents' faces were unbearable. They were sad, angry and glared at me, eyes full of spite. And I couldn't blame them. My boss had even told me that her brother had gone missing. It seemed the loss was too much for him. I was officially fired the next day and secluded myself at home up until this moment. Nobody tried to contact me, nobody cared to come by to see if I had died or not... Because nobody felt sorry for me, and I couldn't blame them. I think I even prefer to be alone.”

 

I gasped softly, overwhelmed by my own story. The stranger remained silent, as if he were weighing my sins, judging me.

 

“I see.” He finally piped up after the long pause. “You are punishing yourself. Isolating yourself from the people you care about because you believe you deserve it.”

 

“I...” I was not sure how to reply, so I just kept quiet. The stranger turned to face me once again. His eyes were serious, and contemplative.

 

“It is the truth, and you are quite aware of it.” He continued, “However, no one is exempt from redemption. Not you... Nor am I.”

 

“Redemption?” I repeated the word as if I had never heard it before. However, I knew that word all too well.

 

“Fleeting dreams never last.” The stranger sighed, “And who willingly wants to wake up from a good dream?”

 

“But this seems more like a nightmare than anything!” I cried. He had finally unnerved me. The tears were emerging endlessly and my headache grew to be more excruciating. I closed my eyes and turned away from him. I did not want him to see me in such a weak, pathetic state. I hunched over and buried my face in my hands. “Where can I find redemption?” I whispered, my voice laced with sorrow.

 

I suddenly felt warm hands wrap around me, pulling me closer. “Redemption is something you give yourself.” The stranger said, “But it will only be attained if you want it badly enough.”

 

“I want it.” I said, softly at first, but then, forgetting everything around me, I shouted, “I want it so much!”

 

“Then that is that.” The stranger cooed, as he held me in his arms. “You cannot let the past affect your future. Take it from someone who is aware of the pain of a guilty conscience.”

 

“I don't know if I can.”

 

“You have to, Dr. Cross.” The man said, my eyes sprung open as he said my name. “If I can forgive you, then you should be able to forgive yourself.”

 

It was then that it finally hit me. I finally understood. His hair was familiar because I had seen it very recently before. It was the same as the little girl's. Her true hair, not the brown hair I had imagined her with at first. Oh God, no.

 

“What... What was she to you..?”

 

“My little sister.” The stranger said.

 

“You were the brother... Kyone..?” The stranger nodded, and I broke down into even more tears. “I am so sorry... Please, please forgive me! Please!” I pleaded.

 

“Life is a fleeting dream, Dr. Cross.” Kyone replied. “And the fleeting dreams never stay.”

 

As he said that, I reflected upon his words. This man, this beautiful, troubled, plagued man... A man that I had hurt, had been there for me when nobody else had. He was strong enough to forgive me, and warm enough to help me forgive myself. He had given to me the tools for redemption, all I needed to do now was use them.

 

“I'm glad I left my house tonight.” I said softly, closing my eyes and letting Kyone's warmth enshroud me.

 

“Me too.” He agreed. He shared in my warmth as well, and I believe that just as I gained comfort from him, he gained something from me too. Something that would ease his pain.

 

I smiled softly. My headache had finally stopped.

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