The Consuming Loneliness

Published: Monday, 13 June 2011 Written by Gail Parillon

 

My fist hit roughly against the wall for the umpteenth, my entire being was surrounded by pitch darkness then from my throat emanated a loud scream and yet no one heard. I felt it, the encroaching loneliness. Shaking my head wildly, I ran stretching my arms out in desperation as I went slamming into another wall, falling back. Feeling hopelessness, my emotions overwhelmed me and all I could do was … cry.
I brought my knees under my chin, tears flowing unto my unclothed body. When I was transported to this place, I was completely unclothed and alone with nothing to call my own. Unable to fathom what was happening, I was virtually nowhere but I was definitely somewhere. This place felt all too familiar but I’ve forgotten where it is.
“Help me, please.” I whispered to myself, still in tears and still hoping that I would return home. Home to what exactly? If I wasn’t deluding myself no one would be there waiting for me, no one ever will.
Then I felt I had a small epiphany; the reason why this place was so familiar, the reason why I could not find my way out and the reason why I felt so alone here. The place I was in was within me. Within my subconscious and in reality, I was truly alone. I whimpered in pure sadness upon realizing this, only making me realize no one would care, no one would search for me or comfort me.
I buried my face deeper, wanting to die but I knew this would not become reality as if I had no control over what was occurring. Then a small ray of light twinkled before my eyes. Light? In all this darkness seemed impossible but I looked up, it was light. The brightest light shone before me so warm and welcoming. My tears stopped instantly and I embraced it. It felt different, like I wasn’t alone, someone wanted me and was looking, searching and finally found me.
Slowly getting up, I approached the light fearlessly. It felt too inviting to ignore its beckoning, so I walked forward towards it, and each step I took forward, it looked as if it took one step back. Frustrated, I rushed at it, launching myself into it. And there I was, suspended in the light, a warm sensation overcoming me.
“I-I found her!” a female voice resounded through my subconscious as I felt her hand wrap around mine. My body felt light, emotionally and physically.
“He was right, we’d find her here. Now we have enough evidence to convict that slime ball.” another male voice sounded elated, I felt like crying. So many people came for me, maybe I wasn’t so alone.
“To think that all this happened to this girl.” the female voice said; a hint of anger and sadness apparent in her tone. Why was she so sad? Had she not found me? Wasn’t that her goal?
“Yeah,” the male voice sighed, “to think her living in such an abusive household, being locked up most of the time. Her parents not caring enough to notice their daughter’s sadness.”
“That poor girl, being forced to run away and come across that beast-like man. So disgusting at what he did to her, for her to have to go through such a thing. Any person would have gone mad but the only resolve one can find is in death.” the feminine voice was coated in remorse. It couldn’t be me that they were talking about! So was I … dead?
“It was unfortunate that we were too late.” I heard the sobs resound; tears, warm and bitter, fell on my skin and I wiped them away for they did not belong to me. My fingers glided over my eyes but they had vanished, my body was thinning away, as if all the flesh of humanity no longer was on it.
I was gone from this world but I felt happy. Maybe the reason I couldn’t remember what happened before except the feeling of loneliness, was that my whole life was empty and this departure was for the best.
“This case was fifteen years too late.” the man sighed as he consoled the woman; it’s been this long I since was alone? I shivered at this thought, for fifteen years I was dead.
“C’mon rookie, you’ll have to get used to the sight. First day on the field and you’re crying? Not a good sign.” he said with a small laugh, causing me to giggle. I was quite beginning to enjoy the company of these two people. The woman laughed back, causing me to laugh along with her. I really did like them.
“Come on, let’s go and call up the forensics team.” the man heaved out.
“O-okay.” I heard the woman’s voice still hiccupping from her cry. I was touched that she would cry for me, when no one else would. For some reason, I felt closer to her than anyone else and I felt whole, like I had never left in the first place.
The light that surrounded me dimmed a bit and I grew afraid once more, not desiring to be alone again. I was hidden from this world for too long.
“Hello, roger...  we located the body in the eastern woods send forensics team and back up, over.” I heard the voice of a man crackling as he spoke to an unknown person. Had they already forgotten me?
“Don’t worry, I’ll be there and make sure he gets what’s coming to him. I’ll be there for you.” I heard her comforting voice. Was she talking to me? I smiled, a small ghostly smile. Although I could not see anything, I could feel it, the sympathy and commitment in her voice. It sounded different from what I was used to but it became a comfortable sensation to me.
As I felt myself almost entirely fade away, I cried again and smiled sadly. I may not see her again but I was at peace. And I wasn’t alone, someone was always searching for me. I was positive that I wasn’t alone anymore.
The woman looked at the skeleton wearing a thin night gown, half buried into the ground in the soil between the roots of a large oak tree that fed on the blood of the decomposed body. She kept her grip on the hand of the skeleton, the small, frail one of a ten year old girl, her flash light still beaming onto the decayed, almost completely skeletal face, frozen in agony.
Feeling her heart ache, she said some comforting words, to whom? She wasn’t even sure herself but she hoped someone heard them. Suddenly something tightened around her hand as she was going to pull away. Terrified she flashed her light onto the skeleton, this time the skeletal face was relaxed almost into a small smile.
The woman could only find herself grinning uncontrollably. Yes, the person she had said those words to heard them loud and clear.
Upon pulling away, she gave the skeleton one last look before walking to join her partner who was explaining the situation to the back up.
“I will be there for you.” the woman murmured in an unwavering tone to herself.
“I know.” a gentle, ghostly voice breathed into her ear.
She truly wasn’t alone, not anymore.

 

 

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